everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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