The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
