Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
someone get that fucking seahorse.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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