She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
not ubering you a puppy
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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