I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
