I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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