I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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