woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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