Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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