I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
