I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
