At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
