went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
