I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
