i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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