I'm so fucking centered right now
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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