The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
