She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
