are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
