mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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