I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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