I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
