I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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