Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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