I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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