I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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