so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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