Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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