My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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