she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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