I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
