Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize