my phone needs a breathalizer
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize