My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
