This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
