my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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