remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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