before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm getting married
To pizza
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize