I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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