Sponge bath it is.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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