uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my shit smells like andre
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
