was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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