We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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