I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
