Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
