happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
