maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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