you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
