She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I would ride that face into the sunset
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
