My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
