Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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