dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
