HIV tests are more positive than that guy
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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