So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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