found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize