How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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