I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
