I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You can't motorboat a personality
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
