I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Can Purell be used as lube?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
