I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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