My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
