She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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