just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
