If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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