Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
