This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
there is glitter all over my balls
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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