i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
