Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
